Whose Baby is it Anyway?
by mercersburgrachel
Summary: This is a fix-it fic to address the Outlaw Queen baby mama issue- takes place from season 4-5. While masquerading as Marian, Zelena did what she had to do to keep her most valuable secret safe.


"Well? How far along is she?" Regina barked, glaring daggers at her sister lying on the ultrasound table, like she had been since their return from New York.

The monarch was livid to find out that her elder sister was pregnant by Robin, and was doing everything in her power to irritate Zelena. First, they had cuffed her, ensuring that she couldn't lash out, and then they had thrown her into a cell under the hospital to keep an eye on her. But it wasn't her they needed to worry about. Once news of her captivity, and treatment, reached her dear husband all hell would break loose. Literally.

"I'd say about two months, give or take a week." Dr. Whale stated, and Zelena couldn't help but exhale, relieved. Without her magic, she and her baby were easy prey, causing her to enact a certain glamor spell. You wouldn't know by looking at her, but she was closer to eight months pregnant rather than two.

"You're lucky, you know." Regina drawled, taking the sonogram printout from Whale and pocketing it.

"That child, Robin's child, is the only reason you're still breathing." Robin's child. The idea that she would sleep with that lowly thief was ridiculous, but oh was she having fun playing pretend. After all, Robin clearly couldn't tell the difference between her fake memories and his real ones.

"And then what, sis? You're going to take my child from me?" The witch cackled, eyes alight with mischief.

"You can be certain." Regina exited the exam room before she did the pregnant woman serious harm, prompting the nurses to escort her back to her cell.

"You have no idea what you got yourself into, little sis." Zelena remarked, but Regina was already well out of earshot.

Meanwhile, in the Underworld…

Hades was having a shit day. It was hard enough waking up alone, and then on top of that he had to deal with all the new arrivals bitching and moaning about their unfinished business. It was exhausting, so after a full schedule of torture and evil scheming all he wanted to do was crawl into bed with his red haired goddess of a wife. Except, she wasn't there.

"PAIN! PANIC!" He roared, fear of the unknown quickly setting in. Zelena had promised to come home as soon as she returned to Storybrooke, and something clearly happened along the way.

"Yes Your Unholiness?" His minions squeaked, trembling. They knew they were in for it.

"Where is Zelena?" Hades was calm, but underneath was a firestorm of rage that was threatening to break out the longer his beloved was missing.

"Your wife?" Pain asked, stalling for time. The truth was, Hades was going to explode in a matter of time, and they wanted to prolong this as long as possible.

"Yes. My wife. Red hair, thick British accent, heavily pregnant." The god's hair was now aflame, signaling the end of his patience.

"Uh, she's in Storybrooke…in jail, to be exact." Pain blurted out, now awaiting his long and painful torture.

"Yeah, and wearing that magic blocking bracelet." Panic added, making things worse.

"WHAT? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?" Hades was pissed- how dare they treat her like a caged animal.

"We were going to"- Hades flung them across the room, he was done listening.

"Enough! I'm going to go rescue Zelena, and when I get back, we'll talk about your punishment."

Zelena was beyond relieved when Hades appeared in her jail cell, barely concealing his worry for her health and safety. After reassuring her husband that she and their baby were fine, he gathered her in his arms and transported them back to the Underworld.

The Queen of Hell spent the remaining days of her pregnancy resting in the dark oasis of their bedroom, making sure they had everything they needed for their princess. But there was this nagging worry that her jailbreak would have consequences- it had been almost a month, and the heroes would surely notice her absence. Hades was quick to inform her that they were in Camelot dealing with the Dark One, and that she was perfectly safe. That peace lasted a week, and ended with Hook's unexpected arrival. Zelena was terrified that the savior and company would come after him, putting her family in danger, and that stress launched her into labor.

"You have to give them Hook so they will leave!" She panted in between contractions. "Please don't let this escalate into a fight, I can't risk you getting hurt!" The pain was getting worse now, and she buried herself underneath the silk comforter, nightgown twisted and clinging to hot skin.

"I will do everything in my power to make sure you and our daughter are safe." He soothed, wiping her face down with a cold towel. Hades hated to leave her, but he couldn't allow the Charming clan free reign of the Underworld- they had to be dealt with immediately. Hades left Zelena in the care of their guard dog hellhound, Cerberus, and went to meet the heroes personally.

Unfortunately, half an hour later, Hades was still dealing with Rumple and his son's contract, and couldn't get away without revealing a major weakness that the Dark One could exploit. With the god distracted, Emma, Regina, and her parents found their way into the Underworld's inner sanctum, hoping to find a clue on Hook's whereabouts. They got more than they bargained for when they stumbled across one seriously pregnant redhead.

"What in the unholy hell is going on?" Regina yelled, observing her sister in a fair amount of distress. When they tried to get a closer look, they were halted in their tracks by Zelena's canine protector, snarling menacingly at them.

"I'm having a baby, what does it look like, sis?" The witch groaned, shifting position on the bed.

"That can't be possible, Robin and you left Storybrooke two months ago!" Regina just stared at the unfolding scene, dumfounded. But Snow had pieced it together, judging from the Grecian style nightdress she was wearing, and the large black diamond on her ring finger.

"It's not Robin's baby, is it?"

"Oh my god, Zelena had sex with Hades." The look on David's face was one of complete disgust.

"Emma! Not helping!" Regina took another look at her sister, trying to decide what to do.

"We came here to get Hook, now start looking for information." Ignoring Zelena was the only way she was going to avoid incinerating her sibling.

"He's in Tartarus." Zelena blurted, just wanting everyone gone so she could have this baby in peace. "You'll have to talk to my husband if you want him released."

"I'm going to kill him!" Emma growled, intending to make good on her threat when they were interrupted by the arrival of Lord Death himself.

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear!" Hades' hair was aflame, showing off his power. "Now back away from my wife!" He threw the heroes to the other side of the room with a wave of his hand and wasted no time in checking on Zelena.

"It's almost time." He murmured, pulling Zelena into his arms. She would have to push soon, and any kind of help he could provide he would- she would need the leverage.

"We want Killian, and then we'll get out of your way." Snow recognized the panic of a first time father, even if Hades wasn't outright displaying it. He was nervous as hell, pun intended.

Before Hades could respond, Zelena's moans turned into pained shrieks, and she grabbed onto his arm for dear life.

"I'll make you a deal- you help deliver this baby, and the pirate goes free." Zelena glared at him- the idea of anyone else but him near her vagina was horrifying.

"She's your sister Regina, you do it." Emma didn't hesitate to volunteer the Queen- she didn't want to take the blame if things went south.

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Take one for the team! And besides, it doesn't sound like it will take long." They looked over at the witch, who had gone pale and limp from exhaustion.

"Alright fine. I better get sister of the year award for this." As Regina bunched her sister's nightgown above her hips, Charming, Robin, and Henry decided to look the other direction.

"I see the head, now give me all you got!" Zelena screaming, pushing back against Hades, who was holding her in a sitting position.

Regina kept the rhythm of rinse and repeat for a good twenty minutes until a red faced, squirming newborn was in her arms.

"Congratulations, sis!" The little girl, Kiara, was handed off to her mother.

And later, when Hades kept his promise and sent them all home, Regina discovered a vial of water from Lake Nostos on her dresser from a grateful god.


End file.
